Funny Christmas quotes and short, clean jokes to celebrate the silly yule in all of us. Funny words about the holidays to keep everything in a playful perspective. Merry Merry!
What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
Due to some defect in my motor ability, I can never wrap [gifts]COMPLETELY … If it had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of Pharaoh’s body would be covered only with duct tape.
As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if I had vampires.
I was going to change my brother once after Christmas, but my mother would never tell me where she came from.
The only thing I remember about Christmas is that my father used to take me on a boat about ten miles from the coast on Christmas day, and I used to have to swim backwards. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Of course, that was not the difficult part. The hard part was getting out of the bag.
I hate radio at this time of the year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like in any other song. And that is not enough.
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmas. Mature, responsible adult men wear ties made from holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with egg yolks and cottage cheese.
There is something about Christmas that is magical. Money simply seems to disappear in the air.
Adults can take a simple vacation for the kids and ruin it. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman who unwrapped six forked shrimp from her dog, which earned her name.
One lovely thing about Christmas is that it is obligatory, like a thunderstorm, and we all spend together.
The Supreme Court ruled against having a manger in Washington DC. This was not for religious reasons. They could not find three wise men and a virgin.
Thank God Christmas is a state of mind. I would hate it to be the state of my bank account.
What I do not like about Christmas parties in the office is looking for work the next day.
A Christmas nightmare: singing carols for your neighbors, and Simon Cowell is one of them.
My desire for Christmas is to spend more time unwrapping gifts than to untangle lights.
I love christmas. I receive many wonderful gifts that I can not wait to exchange.
You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get the time spent with your relatives.
Once again we are immersed in the Christmas season, that special time of year in which we join our loved ones sharing centuries-old traditions like trying to find a place to park in the mall.
That is the true spirit of Christmas; people who receive help from people other than me.
Christmas Trivia: Before it became an important commercial holiday, it is believed that Christmas had a “religious” meaning.
I’m extremely sentimental about Christmas, really. Every Christmas I still take off my socks and put them in front of the fireplace.
I forget the derivation of the Day of San Esteban, but the feeling of wanting to invite your loved ones out of one at a time and hit them in the face, does that get anywhere?
My son, Rob … said that the only time he wraps a gift is, I quote, “if it’s such a bad gift, I do not want to be there when the person opens it.”
It’s my new single, please buy it so we can receive Christmas gifts for the children this year.
The same happens to me every year at Christmas, more indebted.
I am in favor of Christmas cheer; I just do not think you can find it in egg nog.
The Christmas bonus that I hope this year is not to say goodbye.
If you have not received the Christmas spirit yet; it’s not too late. I heard you are having a big sale in the mall.
A true Christmas miracle is when you manage to unravel all your Christmas lights last year. Double miracle if they still work.
In the old days, it was not called the holiday season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to the synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People who cross on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to atheists) ‘Beware of the wall!’